Making mistakes
by Tay-P
Summary: "After the incident with the bread, I don't see Katniss for awhile. I fear that she like most others have given into the starvation and the cruel winter. But when I do finally see her, she is full of life; as much as a girl from the seam can be. She has gained weight, her olive skin has caught the spring sun and she is glowing. She is beautiful. She is hope." Peeta/Katniss
1. Chapter 1: prologue

**Making mistakes**

_Prologue_

Growing up in District twelve I knew what it felt like to feel hunger; maybe not as much as the seam kids – that grew gaunt and frail until they fell when the harsh winter blew into our poor little district and into their wooden houses. But I knew what it felt like, the dizzying desperation your body feels when you need sustenance, the unbearable ache and the shaky limbs until your body gets used to that need and then all you are, is skin and bones and death.

I was lucky to be a merchant boy, my family owned the bakery which I helped in. I was never really hungry only sometimes if the winter was very bad. I wasn't skin and bones, I lived easily enough, I was strong and healthy unlike many other boys my age from my District.

Something I did know a lot about was mistakes and pain. I seemed to always have been making mistakes throughout my life. But pain? Well, my mother often inflicted blows upon my face and body in the beginning. That was nothing however compared to the pain I experienced in the games, and of course doesn't even begin to compare to the emotional pain I felt when it came down to Katniss Everdeen. The girl on fire. The Mockingjay.


	2. Chapter 2 : Reaping part one and past

Chapter one : The reaping.

Leading up to the reaping my mother decided to refrain from using my body as a punching bag, it was an unspoken rule for the day of the reaping to look your absolute best, you wore the best clothes that you owned, and you scrubbed the coal that seemed to layer our District from your skin and hair; you scrubbed until your skin was raw and you turned up to the reaping paled and scared and so nervous, hoping against hope that it wouldn't be your name called. At least that's what I felt and thought, but my name was called.

Some of my earliest memories centre on Katniss Everdeen. The way she sung in class at our school, her large coal like eyes, and her pretty hair that she wore in two long braids. She was always brave and ruthless and so innocent, it was all part of her charm.

But when her father died in a mining accident something changed in her, she closed herself off. I often wondered what it must be like, wondering if your father or your brother would be coming home once they finished their long strenuous shift, wondering how you will live off their meagre wages or if dinner will even be on the table.

I don't know how anyone didn't notice the way her clothes hung off her body more than the other kids after the accident or how her younger sister was tiring quicker and eventually stopping going to school. I watched Katniss starve; the once fearless girl was nothing but a husk of who she once was. I was helpless to it, all I could do was watch then go home to a meal that would fill my belly.

I often wonder to myself what would have happened if I helped her sooner, if I took her and her family food. It wasn't until I found her weeks later collapsed against a low tree outside the bakery taking shelter from the down pour of rain, silent slow tears coursing down her cheeks that I decided to act. Walking purposely into the kitchen to the oven I got a fresh heavy loaf of bread and placed it against the open fire watching it scorch the golden brown of the bread, I was careful so the whole thing wasn't ruined while glancing hastily out of the window, making sure she hadn't moved.

"Peeta!" My mother screamed my name as if it were a curse, she slapped at my arm which was holding the loaf and I dropped it quickly to the counter. "You idiot boy, you're burning money! Do you want this family to starve?!" She screamed, her face a bright crimson, spittle flying from her mouth.

She slapped me hard, my face turning on the impact and stormed out of the room muttering angrily to herself. I walked slowly to the back door, my cheek burning and my eyes stinging with unshed tears. I stood in the rain for a long moment and let the cool water calm my face before turning to Katniss and throwing the bread towards her. It landed with a dull thump, cause water to splash from the ground.

That was the first of many mistakes I made when it came to Katniss.


	3. Chapter 3 : Reaping part two and present

Chapter two : Reaping part two and the present.

* * *

While I was waiting for the names to be called at the Reaping, I scanned the crowds of children, because that's what we were, for Katniss and soon found her looking to her left at the boys side, mouthing I didn't know what to Gale Hawthorne. A feeling of dread washed over me, whether seeing Katniss talk to Gale or for the upcoming Reaping, I wasn't sure.

The woman from the capitol wore more colours then I had ever seen in the District and teetered over to the bowls on the highest shoes I had ever seen a woman wear. She called out 'ladies first' in a shrill voice and began a series of unfortunate misfortunes.

"Primrose Everdeen." Time stopped altogether. Katniss' baby sister, her first year being put into the bowl and her name out of everyone's is called. My heart is beating in my eardrums and poor little Prim hesitantly walks toward the stage, tucking her wayward shirt in with trembling small hands.

"Prim? No, no!" Katniss is screaming hysterically and is beating at the peacekeepers that are keeping her away from her sister. "Get off me! No! I volunteer!" My heart stops and dread washes over like a tidal wave leaving me cold and nauseous. "I volunteer as tribute."

President Snow is sat across from me, looking cool and relaxed against the unforgiving metal chair that is matching to mine. He fixes a steady stare onto my face. I am tired, bone tired and hungry. Starved. Thoughts of Katniss are the only thing getting me through this ordeal. Snow mutters one word, the same word as always. 'Again.'

Before I have time to react or brace myself, I am punched. The blow knocks me sideways and I am seeing stars, the chair that I am bound to teeters and I fall to the floor, my temple resounding off of the concrete and the darkness that takes me is a respite.

If I dream, I dream of Katniss but that's a luxury I am not allowed any more. Instead my dreams are nightmares of the games and my fears for the girl on fire. I awake to screaming, her screams – my eyes are wide and alert and I barely register the pain thumping in my head. "Katniss!" I scream anxiously pulling at my restraints but the screams do not stop only falter to sobs then to rising screams of terror. I pull at my shackles until my wrists are raw and slick with blood.

I scream and pull, the pain urging me on. I must find her and save her, no matter what happens to myself; she must live. I search the room for an exit and if it wasn't for a flutter I would have missed it completely in my panic. A Jabberjay.

I scrunch my eyes tightly willing the mutts assault to stop. Just like in the games it wasn't real, couldn't be. The screams get louder, piercing and echoing through my already pained skull until I don't know what's real and what's not . I clench my jaw painfully and grind my teeth as she calls out my name repeatedly. "Stop." I sob out brokenly my bloody wrists dangling limply at my sides.


	4. Chapter 4 : Reaping, past and present

Chapter three : The reaping, past and present

* * *

Everything happens quickly after that, Katniss is bought to the stage while Gale handles Prim and then it is the boys turn. My name is called and I could just laugh because this will be the first time that I will really talk and spend time with Katniss; not just watch her from afar – she will know who I am. Then we will be forced to kill each other. My brothers do not volunteer for me though I didn't expect them to; the silence is still painful and awkward but is luckily interrupted by a peacekeeper roughly pulling me to the stage.

Katniss and I are made to shake hands, and she looks at me with these murky eyes that all the seam kids seem to have but these have seen so much more and are so full of fear. She searches my face for a long moment and then she lets go of my hand and she is closed off once again.

o.o.o.o.

After the incident with the bread, I don't see Katniss for a while. I fear that she like most others have given into the starvation and the cruel winter. But when I do finally see her, she is full of life; as much as a girl from the seam can be. She has gained weight, her olive skin has caught the spring sun and she is glowing. She is beautiful. She is hope.

I see her with Gale after that even though he is at least a year older than us – but already they are close. He is tall and broad; the essence of a district twelve man. Olive skin, dark hair and coal eyes. He is strong from hard work and preparing for the mines. Together they are the perfect match.

My father buys the squirrels that Katniss kills with her bow, a grave talent that could get you killed in twelve; she's good to, she gets them right through the eye. I think it's why my father takes the risk to buy from her.

I often wonder if maybe I had actually handed her that bread, hadn't have burnt it and ruined it, would we have had a friendship? Could I have been what Gale is to her? I doubted it, we were too different. A seam girl and a merchant boy. The odds were never in my favour.

o.o.o.

"Your father is dead." Snow states simply as if he is telling about the weather outside of my cell. He has a raised eyebrow waiting for my response but I don't have the energy. I suspected as much, it kills me though. "Your mother and brothers are too." Tears swim my eyes. I am the only Mellark left, the sorry excuse of the family.

"I'm going to tell you something now Peeta, because I know you don't really belong here, you are a good lad. Extremely good with your words and you know how to work a crowd. I remember the stunt you pulled with Ceaser, about the baby? Excellent." He shakes his head with what I think he thinks is a fond smile but just looks cruel.

"What do you want from me?" I ask my voice grave and rough, it's been awhile since I drank anything or spoke.

"I want you to have another interview with Ceaser, imagine this time you are speaking to your little Katniss. Send her a message. Can you do that? Think of it as righting a wrong for your lost family. They would want you to do the right thing wouldn't they?" Snow pauses before he slowly gets up and nods his head.

A screen flickers to life and she's there in front of me, tired and fragile and so god damn determined. Katniss is standing in debris of our fallen District, her coal eyes are swimming with tears.

"Peeta." The tears fall from my eyes as I hear her utter my name. "You've got to stop protecting the Capitol, President Snow. Can't you see what they have done? Our District is gone. Your family have not been found." The camera focuses over her shoulder at the blackened rubble that I knew were once my families' bakery. The floodgates open and I hunch over myself as sobs erupt from my chest. I barely register the screen darken before her screams echo around my cell; the Jabberyjay has awoken.


	5. Chapter 5 : The interviews

Authors note: Hey guys, so how are you all enjoying my take on the Hunger Games in Peeta's point of view? I'd love reviews to hear what you guys think! Anyway obviously I don't own anything other than this idea for this story!

* * *

Chapter 4 : The interviews.

* * *

The second mistake I make with Katniss is during my first interview with Ceaser Flickerman for the first games. Before the Games but after the Reaping I was searching my brain for ways that I could protect Katniss. I probably wouldn't be able to physically once we were there, Katniss is a skilled hunter and could kill me herself if she wanted to; but it was a known fact that I was popular with the viewers, if I could just get them to see Katniss the way I did – then I knew she would win or at least have a better chance. She would get sponsors.

I kept the idea to myself, but only told our mentor Haymitch that I wanted to be trained separately, I couldn't afford for Katniss to find out. So when it was finally my turn to be interviewed, I joked with Ceaser to break the ice and then told him honestly about my feelings for the girl on fire. Once my mouth opened it was like I couldn't stop. I complimented her on everything that I could and when the buzzer went off signalling the end of my time I felt relieved and almost giddy.

It felt good to get my feelings out in the open, I was nervous about her reaction but wasn't expecting her to feel the same way about me – it was enough for her to just know. Of course I certainly wasn't expecting her hands around my throat pushing me roughly into a table then slamming my back against the wall. Her eyes were shining bright with anger and her face was flushed.

"What the hell was that?! You like me? You made me look weak!" She hissed in my face squeezing tightly. Haymitch pulled her off of me as I gasped for air, my face flushing from embarrassment.

"He made you look desirable." Haymitch stated whilst grabbing her by the shoulders and leading her away, Effie – the woman that called our names and determined our fates, put a reassuring arm around me and led us the opposite away.

That was the biggest mistake I made and which makes me believe it led to our downfall.

o.o.o.

I am lead into a large plain room, lights and cameras are all facing the stage which has got two plain chairs, there is no one in this room besides Ceaser and myself plus a handful of guards all donning guns which are strapped over their bodies. I am pushed roughly to the chair; while Ceaser is talking to Snow who is watching me carefully. The guards roll up my trouser leg roughly, while I am being held down by the other guards, I know the drill and I am too weak to do anything about it. They pull my fake leg off roughly causing me to cry out, a hand appears out of nowhere and slaps me to quieten me. They leave me sat with only one leg and I am once again made to feel like nothing, like an animal.

The lights are turned on and I am blinded by their intensity, and soon Ceaser has come over to join me. Ceaser gives me a long hard stare, gone is the joyful exuberant man that interviewed me for the past games, that gave me sympathy he is replaced by the harden man that is now sat beside me. I think he is bitter over the baby stunt.

A countdown is called from somewhere and before I know it the cameras are focused on us, it's like Ceaser is a light switch and just been turned on, his smile is megawatts and jumps straight into his persona updating the people of Panem of the rebellion, painting his girl on fire as a terrorist. I feel the rage building inside of me but know it will do me no good, I calm my breathing and look up into the cameras and imagine it is Katniss' face that I am looking into. I risk a glance to Ceaser and I am shocked by what I see, my face is being shown from the cameras on a screen off set past Ceaser. I haven't seen my reflection since the Games or probably before. I look awful, I look like a mutt version of myself and suddenly I wish I was never here, because I know Katniss will see this, she saw the first interview with Ceaser I am sure, but that was straight after the games I hadn't been starved nor had I been beaten. I looked somewhat like myself, but now? Now even I could recognise myself.

My hair had grown shaggy and was filthy, my face pale and gaunt. Dark shadows were beneath my eyes which looked half crazed. I looked away from the screen filled with a new anger. Ceaser was looking at me in an exasperated way, and I realised I must have missed what he said.

"I'm sorry, I missed what you said. You see it's been a long while since I saw what I looked like." I spat out bitterly, knowing that I would regret saying it later when blows and blows would be raining on my body.

"Well that's all very well Peeta, but sometimes our appearances aren't the most important thing. The whole of Panem is hanging in the balance of what Katniss Everdeen will do next." Ceaser says seriously and the irony is not lost on me, this man with his sparkling white teeth and emerald green hair.

"Katniss isn't doing anything, she is being used." I said angrily shaking my head, I see Snow looking at me with furrowed brows so I hurry on. "It's obvious, isn't it? Why would she put her little sister in harm's way with a rebellion when all along she has been protecting her, she is being used!"

"Well it's nice to see that you still harbour feelings for the Mockingjay, but you can't really think that Peeta. You're a smart boy, and we think you are the only one who can get through to her." Ceaser continues and I don't know what I'm supposed to say. Katniss is stubborn and she doesn't listen to anyone but herself.

I take a deep breath and take a shot in the dark. "Yes, I have a message for Katniss."


	6. Chapter 6 : Games and mistakes

Chapter 6 : Games and mistakes.

* * *

After the interview with Ceaser, Katniss doesn't speak to me; only once to apologize for the angry blue bruises that are obvious against my pale throat, but she keeps to herself. Haymitch congratulates me, thinking I am playing the games before it has even started and Effie gives me sympathy and small pats on my back. I don't have time to dwell on it; I have to focus on the games and protecting Katniss. I can't imagine a world without Katniss Everdeen.

We are standing on our podiums in a wide circle; the countdown is loud and quick – well quick to me. I see Katniss standing at hers at least five people down from me, we catch eyes and I see her glance to the cornucopia where a shiny bow and arrows are propped. Katniss looks back to me and I shake my head slightly. She knows what has to be done, to get far far away and find water and food. The bell rings loud and clear once and she looks panic stricken, again I can't dwell. If I want to survive I have to get far away from these people, I run as fast as I possibly can and chance a look over my shoulder and see Katniss running the opposite way, toward the bow.

I don't know how I do it, but I survive the first three nights, continuously watching the skies for a picture of Katniss and I am thankful every time that I don't see it. I manage to find water through sheer luck and eat plants, my energy is dwindling though and I know it won't be enough.

I decide to search for Katniss, maybe we could pair up. However I am found first and not by Katniss but by the careers. They have me circled, all with an excited glint in their eyes, holding out their weapons and muttering excitedly.

"Well what do we have here? Hello lover boy." Cato I think is his name calls out; I search for a gap in the group but know I won't make it three steps before a knife is in my back. I notice in Dismay the girl from two, Glimmer has the bow and arrow and wonder how she got it.

"Where's your girl baker boy?" A short girl with dark hair and a malicious smile asks. Clove from One.

"I er I don't know." I say with a shrug. "But believe me I wish I did. Pay back for what she did." I say shoving my head back and showing the now fading bruises. Cato snorts out a laugh.

"A girl did that to you?" He asks whilst laughing and the others join in.

"You all saw her in training, right? You saw her score didn't you?" I ask and they all quieten. "She's not a normal girl."

A small knife goes whizzing past my skull and gets embedded into the tree that is behind me, I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and they all laugh once again.

"Good thing neither am I." Clove hisses playing with the other small knives.

"Come on lover boy, maybe you can help us find her." Cato says with a jerk of his chin and they set off with me trailing hesitantly behind them.

That was the first mistake of the Games, I couldn't help but feel the unsettling feeling of betrayal deep in my stomach, but hoped maybe I could steer them away from Katniss and hoped maybe she would understand if I couldn't.


	7. Chapter 6 : interview o and Games

Chapter six : Interview part two and the Games

* * *

The cameras are focused on me as is Ceaser and Snow. I know I have to think quickly, I don't know how much will be aired or if I will be stopped. "Katniss, you've got to bring an end to this. Lives are being lost." I begin seriously as Ceaser nods his head beside me, his fingers are steepled. My head is pounding painfully and I am at a blank.

"Think of your family and yourself." I begin slowly and see Snow raise an eyebrow. This isn't what he wants me to say, I take a deep breath and talk quickly. "They'll do it again. Maybe tomorrow." The look on Snow's face tells me I have guessed correctly, my heart stops as realisation dawns on me and I have to act quickly. "Maybe tonight, they'll do it! The bombs will fall! No one is safe!" I shout urgently before I am knocked from my chair. Everything around me is pure havoc, there are shouts for the filming to stop, guards are beating me with their guns- but I am too far gone. They will drop bombs. Katniss isn't safe. No one is safe.

I feel a crack and blood spurts from my nose and then Snow is there, the once cool and collected President is crimson in the face. "I should have you killed, and sent to the Mockingjay in pieces. That would be a message." He snarls in my face.

o.o.o

The careers and I find Katniss, something had happened to her and she is badly hurt. We followed her from a lake, and the smell of burning wood was disconcerting. She climbed a tree and I felt some relief, she is quick and sure off her feet and quickly manages to get some height. My heart pounded having to watch Cato try and climb that tree and I could have laughed when he fell straight on his back. Next was Glimmer with the bow and arrow and she too missed.

"Just wait her out; she has to come down sometime." I shrug and because it's the only thing that can be done they all agree.

I think of ways I can help her wondering if maybe I could attack them whilst they sleep, but I know I stand no real chance. I am outnumbered and out skilled.

The rest of the day seems to drag by slowly and I am on edge, it isn't until the sky begins to darken that I feel somewhat relaxed. I watch as the others stuff their faces with food, whilst I pick at roots and eat slowly, my eyes trained on Katniss – I don't miss the betrayed look full of contempt when she glances down at me.

It isn't long until the others have begun settling down for the night; their weapons closely at their sides. I fight off sleep as best as I can throughout the night, watching the careers rest peacefully and even Katniss manages a few hours.

I startle awake cursing myself for being weak and sleeping, and see the careers still fast asleep. I train my eyes above me squinting at the morning brightness and see Katniss even higher than before sawing at a branch that held a large dangling hive. Trackerjackers.


	8. Chapter 7 : Torture

Chapter 7: Venom

* * *

After the interview of which I sabotaged; the beatings came continuously, and I was sure that I would be killed. I didn't know how long it had been since the interview, the concept of time had been lost on me. I had been kept in a dirty small cell, with no windows and only one door. It could have been days or weeks I didn't know. But there came a day where a lot of new things happened and none for the good. I had been left for hours, beaten and bloody when I heard screams; not the sounds of Katniss, different. It took me awhile to recognize it. It was Joanna. I looked for the Jabberjay, not fully understanding why they would torture me with her sounds, we weren't particularly close, yes it distressed me hearing anyone screaming in that much pain – but it didn't affect me as much as when I thought it was Katniss.

The screams continued for hours or what seemed like it before I was dragged from my chair by the guards. They hadn't given me my leg back since the interview, and they were unforgiving as they pulled me awkwardly down corridors. I groaned and cried out, feeling my wounds split and bleed.

I was pulled into a room and saw Joanna passed out on a metal slab of a bed, she had wires attached to her body and I could only imagine what they were there for. They strapped me down on a matching bed beside her. I strained my head to look at her; I didn't know how I even recognized the once bitter yet strong and healthy young woman because beside me she was just skin and bones. Her bones were jutting painfully out of her deathly pale skin. I feared that she was dead, because this would be another level of torture. Joanna's body was filled with bruises, old and new wounds, her once long hair had been copped short and uneven. She looked like hell.

The guards soon left and I flexed my arms against the restraints, I was bound tightly. I kept glancing toward Joanna trying to watch for any movement or sign of life. "Stop ogling me, pervert." A mumble came from Joanna's mouth making me jump.

"Oh thank God, Joanna." I sighed, my own voice coming out rough and horse. "What have they done to you?"

"Everything I should have expected." She muttered slowly turning to face me with a wince. I sucked in a breath once I saw her face. "Hey you don't look so great yourself."

"I'm sorry. Are you okay though?" I ask leaning my face against the cool metal and feeling some relief.

"No, they are going to kill me and probably you too at some point Peeta. I heard what you did, the guards were speaking about it. You were always trying to protect her, weren't you?" Joanna asked in a trembling voice.

"I love her." I say simply because it was just that simple and always would be.

"See, that's your biggest mistake Peeta. You can't love anyone, not ever. They can hurt me and then kill me but they can't torture me with anything else. What will they do when they get Katniss?" She asked before turning her head away and closing her eyes. My heart pounded painfully with the thought, where was Katniss? Who would protect her?


	9. Chapter 8: Time and memories

Chapter eight: Time and memories

* * *

They left Joanna and I for a long time after that, again I didn't know how long but it felt good not to be alone anymore. Joanna soon passed out after speaking to me and I found myself constantly worrying about her health and also wondered who else was here and was being tortured like us. To pass the time, I thought up questions I could ask Joanna once she had awoken, it was obvious she knew more about everything that had happened than I did.

I thought of my district, gone and destroyed and wondered where Katniss and the others were living wondered if they had gotten my warning about the bombs. I felt my chest ache and used it to anchor me to the now, I was still alive and I would get out, I would get to Katniss. A thought came to my head and unsettled me, yes I would always try to get to Katniss, but why hadn't Katniss try to come to me? Why did she blame me for trying to protect the Capitol when I was always trying to protect her?

I shook my head; of course she was trying to get to me. Katniss wouldn't just leave me here to die.

o.o.o

The trackerjacker nest rocked precariously on the swooping branch Katniss was sawing at and I felt my heart in my throat. I knew and Katniss knew how dangerous these creatures were. One sting would send you spiraling into hallucinations any more than that would kill you. You couldn't even afford one sting in the Games; you needed to be awake and prepared for anything. I looked at the Careers beside me all still asleep, and thought of what to do. Soon the nest would be spiralling down on top of us, and I couldn't be stung. But if I moved, I chanced waking them. I heard a cry from above me and saw Katniss swatting at herself, my heart thudded to life. She was stung. I would have to act quickly and I didn't have a lot of time, the nest had awoken and was close to falling, the buzz was getting louder and before I knew it, it was falling quickly to us. I got to my feet grabbing a knife and running into the trees and hiding in the thick bushes. I soon heard the crack and then the roar of the buzzing followed by screams. I kept as low as possible, watching as feet ran past me until all was silent.

I stayed for another minute, counting slowly in my head until I left the safe confines of the bushes. I looked around hesitantly and heard a low groan. I rushed to where the nest fell and found the swollen body of glimmer, the bow and arrow gone.

"Katniss!" I hissed out looking everywhere and began walking and listening. I heard the loud fumbling of steps and decided to risk it, I ran toward the sound leaping over fallen branches and finally seeing Katniss, her eyes wide and crazed looking at me but not focused.

"Katniss?" I say walking toward her as she lurched and searched around herself her mouth moving quickly yet silently. It was then that I heard it, loud and quick footsteps heading toward us.

"Katniss! You need to go! Run! Run!" I screamed at her, pushing at her until her eyes refocused somewhat and she began stumbling away. I turned to see Cato, the same unfocused stare in his eyes running toward me, on lurching feet. In his hand he carried his favourite weapon, a jagged long knife.


	10. Chapter 9 : Confinement

**Chapter nine : Surprises in confinement **

* * *

Johanna and I had been left for a long time; no food or what they called food had been brought to us either and I constantly worried about her health. Johanna was becoming so thin, her breathing was laboured and painful for myself to listen to; she would lapse into unconsciousness constantly and I was envious of that, there was nothing to rescue me from this terrible reality. I spoke to her, even when she wasn't awake; I was so used to the solitary confinement that I knew if I had to go back to that, I would lose my barely there mind. So I spoke continuously, I spoke of Katniss, of my lost family, of our district that as terrible as it had been, it had been home.

"We are going to get out of here, just you wait. We will win. We were victors before, not victims – we will survive this, Katniss and the people she is with; whoever they are, will come back for us, they just have to." I said with my eyes closed, picturing Katniss bursting through the doors – her bow and arrow aimed and ready, her gorgeous long locks would be out of its normal confinement of a braid and would be hanging lose along her slender back.

"They're not coming back for us, I have no doubt Katniss will want to get you. But they won't." Johanna whispered back to me and I sighed in relief, I was lonely and worried about her so it was good to hear her voice.

"Who is she with?" I asked quietly, my jealousy getting the better of me and imagining Gale by her side, where I should be.

"She's with Plutarch and Haymitch." The shock left me speechless and reeling, the hurt was barely containable. Yes Haymitch certainly kept his promise to me over keeping Katniss safe but why wasn't I saved? Was I not as important?

"What?" I wheezed out. "Plutarch?"

"Yes, they both conspired over it. Only a few people in the Games knew about it, I was obviously one of them. They planned to get us out, to get Katniss out so she could be their spokesperson if you will, and to bring the Capitol down." Johanna whispered with a quiet sigh, I turned to face her and saw she was asleep; I turned away and closed my eyes tightly. Why didn't I know about it? Did Katniss know all along? Why would she have made me stay with Beetee? Thoughts were running through my mind too quickly for me to make sense of them but the last thought that stayed in my mind was why hadn't they came back for us?

o.o.o

Time was a blur after the Trackerjacker nest fell, from what I could tell I had managed to save Katniss from Cato and could only hope she would survive the stings that covered her body. Cato had found me and if it hadn't of been for his own stings he had received, I would have died that day. I wasn't let off lightly though, he had managed to get me pretty good; he cut my thigh deeply and time after that was fuzzy, I was losing a lot of blood and hadn't eaten or drunk anything in a very long time. I had managed somehow through sheer luck to find a small watering hole, where I drank and replenished. I then painted my face with the wet mud and dry weeds and tried my best to hide. If I were to die, I would do it peacefully. It would be on my terms. So I stayed where I was hidden with thoughts of Katniss occupying my mind and praying she would make it out of this hell hole.

I don't know how long I was left at the watering hole I was never really awake, just floating pleasantly through consciousness but I had heard something that had grounded me back to the world of the living. It was her. Katniss had found me, she was sobbing and calling my name; she had literally stopped right beside my face where I was lying so I grabbed her foot gently. She shrieked once before she was on me, dragging me from my safe haven and cradling me to her, rocking us both to and throw. "We're going home, Peeta. We can do this." I didn't know what she was saying, and I was scared that I was just delirious and that this wasn't real, that she wasn't really holding me in that firm strong grip just like her personality.

"Oh god no, Peeta!" She wrenched herself backwards and away from me and I instantly felt the lack of her warmth, I was frozen. "What happened to you?!"

I managed to whisper out Cato before darkness shrouded my eyesight and I was plunged for once against my will into unconsciousness


	11. Chapter 10 : Better times

**Chapter ten : Better times.**

* * *

Katniss saved me the day she found me by the water. I thought continuously, if I could go back in time would I have changed anything? I probably would have if it had meant saving her, there was no doubt about that. But in all honesty, the time in the cave was probably the best time in my life.

When I had awoken, I was waist deep in clear water; naked may I add. Katniss was beside me, her face a flaming red; a colour I had never seen on her, and certainly not a side I had seen of her either. I called her name and she turned toward me in alarm before turning away, her face turning an even brighter colour. I had to laugh at that, but it caused a groan of pain. My body was aching in a way I had never felt, my leg where I had been cut felt pinched and I was unable to move it. She hovered over me anxiously.

"I'm sorry, I had to do something. I thought I would wash some of that dirt of your trousers." She finished lamely as I leaned slowly back onto the rocks, I couldn't bring myself to see my leg and the damage that had been done.

"It's okay." I nodded my head, she was at a loss and I knew I would be a goner. "My leg is bad isn't it?"

"No." Katniss said quickly and defiantly, classic Katniss. "It just needs to be cleaned, you need medicine. I was thinking, I had medicine sent to me; maybe we could try it on your leg?"

I was only able to nod my head weakly, suddenly extremely tired. I kept my eyes open and trained on Katniss , watched as her pretty face pinched and her brows furrowed.

"What?" I ask her gently.

"I need to have another look at your leg, and clean it properly." She said with a decisive nod, it was an act which I saw through easily. I nodded my head anyways and dragged myself with a groan above the water, watching as her eyes widened and she looked around her and anywhere other than at me. "Would you like me to get dressed?" I asked with a snort, as she frowned looking at the now dirtied water.

"No, its fine." She said curtly, I still managed to cover myself with my jacket and didn't miss her relieved sigh. The brave Katniss scared over a naked boy, it was hilarious.

I didn't want to see my leg, so I watched Katniss instead. Her face paled considerably but I had to hand it to her, she hid her expression well. Even I could smell the infection that was coming from me. She slowly looked up at me, and those eyes I loved so much couldn't hide the raw panic that was settling in them. "I need to clean this."

I watched as she got a bottle out of her bag and placed it on the stone beside me, she didn't know what to do and if this had been her mother or sister I may have been in better hands, but I appreciated her efforts anyway. "This is going to hurt Peeta, but there is poison and pus in your leg. I have to get it out." I closed my eyes tightly and nodded my head; she worked quickly squeezing at my leg as white hot pain flashed through my body. I sobbed and groaned, hearing her gag and wheeze beside me. "I'm so sorry." She cried beside me before pouring the clean water onto my wound.

"It's bad isn't it?" I asked gently once I soothed my ragged breathing, she didn't answer. "Katniss, please."

"I think its blood poisoning." Katniss answered quickly and quietly. "But it's okay, it will be okay Peeta. There will be two victors, they're allowing it. You just need to hang on a little while longer okay? We're so close, and then they will fix you."

"I won't be able to hang on Katniss, especially if I don't get sponsors." I said weakly, I was the nations favourite when it all began but then my time with careers had ruined all of that, even Haymitch couldn't work that corner for me.

"You will! You just have to!" She said so fiercely grabbing my face with her two dirtied hands; I gasped a breath out at our close proximity – acutely aware that I was still naked and very much in pain. Katniss slowly backed away, her face flushing that red I now loved to see and gathered my clothing for me.


	12. Chapter 11 : Escape

**Warning: Unsuitable for the light hearted**

* * *

**Chapter eleven : Escape**

* * *

Katniss and I managed to find a small cave right next to the water, which was lucky. Katniss settled me nicely inside the cave which was dry and cool; the weather, so Katniss had said, was getting hotter as the days went by which meant that we were getting closer to the end. The game makers were obviously trying to make the other tributes act out in desperation. To me though? I was chilled to the bone, which wasn't a good sign. Katniss had covered me in her jacket and sleeping bag in an attempt at keeping me warm, and I could only watch and shiver as sweat dribbled down her brow as she worked hard at trying to cover the entrance to the cave with the nearby foliage. She threw down a branch in frustration obviously not happy with the outcome; I thought it was good enough.

"Katniss?" I called to her, watching as she slowly pivoted and tilted her head at me.

"Are you okay?" She asked me, striding over to me and wiping her head with the back of her hand.

"It's freezing." I say honestly watching as worry bites at her face, she nods her head slowly and sits down beside me wrapping me up in her arms. "It's not long now Peeta. We have Cato and Clove and, and Thresh." She says slowly, her arms tightening.

"Katniss." I whisper, pulling away slightly to look up at her face. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you better with the careers. I never wanted to be with them."

"It's okay, I understand." She pulls me to her again and after a moment of hesitation, she kisses my head slowly. I sink against her heavily with a smile on my tired face.

o.o.o

Johanna stayed out longer than she had in a while, which gave me an unpleasant amount of time to think about the information she gave me. I had to believe Katniss was doing everything in her power to get back to me. It struck me that I too also had to get back to her; she was always trying to save me. Now I had to save myself. I thought of different plans on how to get myself and Johanna out, we were both extremely weak; but we had to try. I wouldn't be killed here, bound like some kind of animal. Hope bloomed in my chest, maybe we could do it. What was the worst that could happen? This way Katniss wouldn't be in danger, if I was killed it would just be sooner that it would be now. They couldn't do anything that they hadn't already done to me, and they couldn't stop me from loving and protecting Katniss. A laugh chocked itself out of my throat; I wasn't going to sit around anymore.

"Johanna, wake up." I say gently watching as her eye lids fluttered before opening.

"Peeta?" She asked in a scratchy voice, grimacing at the sound.

"I think we can get out of here." I say with a smile, watching as confusion settled in her dull eyes. Johanna frowned and shook her head, turning to stare at the ceiling above us.

"Don't be stupid Peeta. This place is heavily guarded with Snow's lackeys. Plus these?" She stated holding up her bound wrist, I didn't miss the way it slipped up her thin arm.

Johanna had a point; my two arms were bound as well as my leg. My arms were still bigger than hers though and I was sure she could slip her hand out of the loose cuff.

"Johanna, you could get that cuff off of your wrist. Your arms are so tiny. Then you could free me, we could get out of here. Don't you want to make those guards feel what you were made to feel?" I ask gently watching as she slowly looked at her wrist and turned her stare to me, her eyes brightening with vicious intent.

After that Johanna and I planned constantly, well whenever she was awake. The guards visited often, sometimes with gruel that they called food, other times to beat us physically or verbally; it had the reverse effect though, it filled us with more determination than anything else. We ate what we were given and we rested enough. We were building our strength as much as we could for our escape.

I don't know how long it was, time meant nothing to us. Johanna was awake and the most alert she had been in a long time, she was working at trying to dislodge her hand from its shackle without causing too much harm to it. It was already bright red and obviously raw from the rubbing but she was determined. She gasped loudly and I looked to her, her eyes were wide with excitement.

"I nearly have it." She whispered, a laugh bubbling out of her. It was short lived though as a guard came in, swaying on his feet. He was obviously intoxicated, it must have been late because never was it just one guard. My heart thumped erratically in my chest, I couldn't let him see Johanna was nearly loose, but he was making his way to her, his brows furrowed.

As he got closer, I noticed he had my fake leg in his hand. Anger bubbled up inside of me, and I spat viciously at him, watching and feeling a hint of pride as it hit him square in the face. He turned toward me, Johanna completely forgotten, anger matching my own and brought my leg down onto me, using it as a weapon. I groaned and tried to turn away from the assault as best as I could. The leg was pure metal, and heavy. I felt immediately a crack and wheezed as he got to my ribs. I heard an animalistic scream and all of a sudden the attack was over, Johanna was on top of him, her wrists bloody and smearing over his pristine white suit, her eyes half crazed as she bit into his neck; blood spurted from the wound she had caused as he roared in pain. Johanna neatly put her crimson hands either side of his head and with a simple twist the man fell to the floor dead.


	13. Chapter 12 : Dreams and failure

**Chapter twelve : Dreams and Failure**

* * *

The time in the cave was the best because Katniss had forgiven me for my accidental betrayal with the careers; I got to spend time with her as she looked after me. I would die in these games, but Katniss would live and I was happy with that. I would die with her caring for me, which was more than I could have ever asked for. I decided to tell her everything that I couldn't before, because I didn't want to leave with things unsaid. So as I watched her pottering over a small fire, making soup from herbs she had found and love blossoming in my chest. I told her how I had always liked her from the moment I saw her when we were five, how when she sang I knew she was the one, how the birds stopped to listen to her like they would her father. She was confused, her smile faltered somewhat as she stared at me and her eyes softened, I didn't think I would ever see her looking at me like that.

"It's always been you Katniss." I say simply, the soup she worked so hard for left between us forgotten.

"Peeta." She said softly her eyes filling with unshed tears.

I shrugged my shoulders lightly, not wanting her to be sad. "I'm lucky because there's not much competition here." I say, failing at trying to lighten the mood as her eyes momentarily cleared and she focused on my lips which were dry and cracked.

"There's no competition anywhere." Katniss said, looking into my eyes and leaning forward. I could have died right there and would have been happy as Katniss kissed my lips with a firm yet gentle pressure. My chest ached with the unfairness of it all, she liked me too and I was dying. I hated these games yet appreciated it so much in that moment.

Katniss looked after me continuously after that and I was worried the game makers would think something up for us because we couldn't have been much fun for the viewers, I was dying and she cared for me in our safe confinement of the cave. We talked about everything and anything, with small kisses in between. It was one of the happiest times in my life.

o.o.o

"Johanna, are you okay?!" I asked through wheezing breathes, she was crouched over the guard pulling the keys from his pocket and quickly undoing my shackles. I twisted my wrists this way and that way, feeling the relief from being free and able to move. My back protested as did my newly injured ribs but the joy I felt was uncontainable. Johanna didn't speak, only wiped her slick red hands down the dead man and grabbed his weapon and my leg from him, she was obviously working on adrenaline and didn't want to stop moving.

I put my leg back onto its attachments with a wince; it was painful still from where the guards would grab at it and yank it off, not taking care with the many straps. It was loose but it was the best it could be put back on and it meant I was able to walk. With a determined nod to Johanna we slowly made our way out of the dank room, looking about us in confusion; the halls looked the same and all lead off to different rooms, the only good thing for us was the lack of guards.

We took our time, creeping slowly and checking quietly every room we went past. It was the only plan we had and we had to go with it. We didn't make it far before we heard several quick footsteps behind us; I let Johanna run ahead who was surprisingly fast on her feet. My leg was hindering me once again and I was unstable. I tried to run as fast as I could but I knew I wouldn't make it, I watched as Johanna ran to the rooms ahead trying each door as she went before momentarily disappearing and then walking backwards. Screams came from the room she went into, and I felt myself slow to a stop. Who else was stuck here? Johanna with a fiery determination walked toward the guards that were gaining on us, an unstable smile on her face.

"You have Annie?" She said in a flat voice, her head twitching to the side, before she screamed launching herself at the guards, swinging wildly with the gun in her hands and firing. I threw myself down, not wanting to be shot. Johanna clearly didn't know how to use the thing.

"Peeta!" Johanna screamed my name and I peered up from the ground. She threw the gun toward me, as they all made a grab for her. "Peeta, run!"

I grabbed the gun, not knowing how to use the thing, I swung wildly as Johanna had and smashed the closest guard in the head, watching as he slumped to the ground bleeding. I didn't know what to do, Annie who Mags had volunteered for in the games was here for some reason and Johanna was caught and thrashing in the arms of the guards. I couldn't leave either of them here, I didn't even know the way out. I aimed the gun and fired as best as I could, taking out a few of the guards but not enough, there were just too many.

"Peeta!" Johanna shouted again her eyes wide and wild, looking past me. I turned to see the end of a gun coming toward me, smashing me in the temple and sending me to the ground as darkness enveloped me.


	14. Chapter 13 : Memories

**Chapter thirteen: Memories**

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I awoke to being tightly bound; the room I was in was different to the two others. Where the last two had been dark and dingy, no windows and one door- the one I was in now was completely different. This time I was shackled to the wall, which was ten times worse than a chair or bed; my body ached and was tired and was so god damn heavy, I was made to be slumped awkwardly, leaning heavily forward. What else was different was the fact there were so many windows, I could see the outside world on one wall then on the opposite wall a window showing the corridors and the guards that were watching me. They didn't come in not once after mine and Johanna's failed attempt at escaping, it was the worst kind of torture; counting the days that passed and watching the sun rise and disappear, being watched by the guards. This was worse than physical torture, at least then I would die or have a reprieve of falling unconscious but this was psychological. My mind was already fragile, I was so confused over everything that had happened, and this loneliness was slowly driving me mad.

The only thing I had to keep me going were my thoughts of Katniss, I could only hope she was okay, that she was missing me as much as I was missing her and that they were planning on rescuing us. But the nagging thought always came back, why had they waited this long? Had she forgotten me just like that, had she chosen Gale after all?

I found out the hard way, when we brutally won the games that she didn't love me like I loved her, she wanted to forget that it had all happened, that it had been what it had always been; it had been a game, a game we needed to survive. It broke me, I was so happy when we were crowned; I dreamt of living with Katniss and falling deeper in love with her- to only have that torn from me.

I couldn't hate her for it, if it wasn't for Katniss; I too would have wanted to forget all about it as soon as I could. But I couldn't.

I was angry and I couldn't hide that especially when we had to pretend to be in love for the cameras, it was easy for me, but it broke my heart knowing it wasn't the same for her. I was half mad with jealousy when I saw her with Gale. Katniss was so lucky, forgetting everything that had happened; the bad and the good with me, and still having Gale and normality to come home to. I couldn't have that. I lived in the Victors Village by myself; I was too different to be with my family, too jaded. If my mother raised her voice I was dragged painfully back to the arena. My mother wasn't proud of me, that's not the reason why she stopped hitting me, no my mother was afraid of me and what I would do. So I lived by myself, watching Katniss who lived opposite me with her mother and sister.

I shook my head feeling resentment settle heavy in my stomach. It wasn't Katniss' fault I told myself, she needed me in the end; when on the victor's tour she asked me to stay with her throughout the night because of the nightmares that also plagued her. How she leant on me with the speeches. If only I had never told Ceaser about my feeling for Katniss, if I had just played the game; let myself be killed the way it was meant to happen. Katniss would have been the victor; the second games would never have happened for her. I never hated myself more in that moment, it was my entire fault.

The silence was almost deafening as I hung tethered to the wall, drowning in my guilt and misery.

o.o.o

The night before the quarter quell, I was wrapped around Katniss my head resting on her shoulder-blade, and I could tell by her breathing that she wasn't quite asleep. I couldn't blame her, the only thing that was getting me through this ordeal of being sent back to that hell was the fact that I had Katniss by my side and that we would be a team. I would do everything in my power to make sure she got back out of it alive.

"Peeta, I don't want to join with anyone else. I want to stay with _you_." She whispered at last, her voice soft and so very fragile. I held her closer.

"Okay." I said simply, kissing her head. I hated the games, the Capitol and President Snow more than I hated anything in the world for making Katniss go through this again.

I watched her nightmares play out through the many nights that we stayed together; I watched her cry over Marvel who she killed in retaliation of the murder of Rue. Cry over the many murders, and the fear of living in that terrible place again. The one time I felt truly like I could protect her was when I comforted her in the night, held her in my arms and rocked her until her dreams turned peaceful and her breathing deepened.

I loved her more than I thought possible, I loved her when she was brave and when she was weak. I loved her more than I loved anyone or anything. More than myself.


	15. Chapter 14: Alliances and Jabberjay's

**Chapter fourteen: Alliances and Jabberjay's**

* * *

I was stood once again on the platform, all around me was water; the other tributes were gathered around in a loose circle with the cornucopia in front of us. I wanted to swim away as soon as I could and get to land, my instincts from the first games still stuck in my mind, I needed to get away. Find food and fresh water. However this was different, Katniss was my priority and we were a team now. The problem was I couldn't see Katniss anywhere. This was obviously done on purpose by the game makers but I needed to see her, to see she was okay. My panic was growing with every strum of the countdown, I wasn't a confident swimmer and I didn't know how I would find Katniss with my potential enemies surrounding me. I couldn't think clearly, I didn't know what to do.

The canon rings and without a moment's hesitation I jump into the water, I run on instinct and adrenaline, swimming around the loose circle made up of podiums and looking for Katniss. All of the other tributes are either swimming onto the land or toward the cornucopia.

I barely make it past three podiums before I feel the ache in my legs, luckily there is a floating device in the suit that I am wearing, so I know I will not drown. I take a moment to myself, breathing deeply and searching for Katniss. I spot Mags another three podiums down to myself and decide to swim toward her, I know I could never hurt her and knew she wouldn't hurt me. I make it until I am one podium away from Mags before I am dragged from behind and below the water's surface. I struggle in my attackers arms, punching and kicking out as best that I can. I manage to get away; I break to the top of the water and take a deep breath of air, my lungs burning. My attacker follows, I punch at him not evening knowing who this tribute is and we once again go under the water. We scuffle under the water both clawing at each other. My chest burns with the ache of holding my breath, and I can hear my fast heart beat in my ears. The tribute that I am fighting pulls me to him roughly and we both collide into the podium which is anchored into the ground below us, his hold loosens and he slumps, his belt lifting him to the top of the water. I follow suit and sputter for air. Finnick Odair is swimming toward me, Haymitch's gold bracelet shining brightly on his wrist. Katniss is stood next to Mags a bow and arrow in her grasp, her face flooding with relief.

o.o.o

I missed Johanna; I missed any type of company. The worry I felt over Johanna made my stomach twist into knots, I wondered if she had the same treatment, or if she had worse. I was begging in my mind to be killed. It was obvious I wasn't going to be rescued, and this hanging to the wall in silence was making me lose my mind, I hated it.

I watched as the sun slowly sank; the beautiful orange and pinks that accompanied it swirling across the sky and immediately thought of Katniss. There wasn't a lot that didn't make me think of her. I wondered if she was okay, where she way staying. I hoped she was being looked after because I knew how fragile she really was.

I was lost in my thoughts of the girl on fire when the door opened; a guard came in without even looking at me and placed a small rectangle object on the floor in front of me, turned and left whilst another guard came in a stark black Jabberjay on the shoulder of his white uniform.

"No." I croaked out, shaking my head side to side. The Jabberjay flew from the guard and landed next to the object on the floor. The guard left and the bang of the door seemed to echo in my cell.

I turned my eyes to the bird and watched as it watched me, its beady eyes staring intently as its head turned and tilted.

The box suddenly came to life and the screen projected itself in front of me. Katniss was stood in front of Gale, a thick scarf surrounding her lean body as she looked up at him. I couldn't turn my eyes away. How good they looked together, it killed me. Their dark hair was splattered with white from the snow, their skin pale but cheeks both a ruddy red colour. They were both staring at each other for a long time before he suddenly leaned in, his two coal stained hands finding their way onto the side of her soft face and kissing her firmly, she held onto him, her small yet strong hands holding onto his arms. My heart broke. The pain was different to any physical, it winded me in a way I didn't think possible. My heart pounded with a dull ache and I couldn't look away as the screen kept replaying the kiss over and over again. The Jabberjay soon came to life, mimicking Katniss' voice; repeating words of love to Gale, his name said in different variations.


	16. Chapter 15 : Guilt and anger

**Chapter fifteen: Guilt and anger.**

* * *

A lot of things happened after I found Katniss; we all travelled through the forest with the heat pounding onto our backs in desperate need of fresh water and food. I was leading the way with Finnick, Mags and Katniss behind me, cutting away at the vines that hung in our way, sweat dripping down my into my eyes when all of a sudden Katniss called my name in such panic- but it was already too late. I couldn't explain what happened, one minute I was conscious and the next I wasn't. The first thing I saw was Katniss hovering above me, tears falling from her dark eyes and sobbing loudly. She held onto me tightly. I would never forget that moment, perhaps I should have died, I did die for a minute but I was brought back and it was like Katniss was an angel, the light framing her beautiful face. I had never seen her so distraught in the games; only when Rue had been killed did I see her cry in such a way and when the nightmares became too much. To see Katniss crying over me, over whether I lived or died. It was something else. She kissed me then too, her lips wet and salty with her tears, a bubble of laugh escaping her throat as she got me to my feet and hugged me tightly. I was such an idiot, it wasn't an hour into the games and already I had nearly died! I wanted to make sure Katniss got out of the games alive, but what good would I be if I died straight away? I needed to make sure she would be okay, that she would be protected. I cursed my idiocy, but yet I was happy because Katniss was showing me just how much she really did care. These damn games seemed to always bring out the worst yet the best things to happen to me.

The second games were completely different to the first; there was never a moment of rest for us in these games we were stuck in. Everything seemed to have happened very quickly, especially for me. First I was electrocuted by the force field then the next the mist descended upon us and made our skin blister; I once again was bringing the group down. We lost Mags that night, and from what I could tell by the canon it happened quickly which was a blessing in the games. The guilt from these games I was sure would be the end of me, a lot of people died, even if they weren't by my own hand it was always somehow closely linked to me.

We somehow managed to survive the first few nights, and the loss of Mags was weighing heavily on everyone's mind, especially Finnick's. The pendant that I wore over my neck seemed to be getting heavier and heavier and I wondered when I should give it to Katniss. I was glad I had made my deal with Haymitch; I wanted Katniss to survive this, I wanted Haymitch to do everything in his power to make sure that would happen. It was obvious Katniss didn't love me; perhaps she did in her own way like she did Gale. But Gale had gotten to her first. I couldn't blame him anymore for that, and I certainly couldn't blame Katniss either. When Katniss would win, she would grieve for me that much I was sure but then she would return to her normal life, she would have Gale to look after her. He was more than capable, I knew that.

If I somehow miraculously got through these games without Katniss by my side, then there would be no point. I had no one. It was Katniss or nothing. I was happy with that.

Though we somehow managed to survive the fog, and hadn't encountered any other tributes, it was the monkeys that next put our lives in danger. It seemed we didn't have to worry about the other tributes, perhaps that should have been a major hint to me, but it wasn't. The monkeys were hideous mutt creations, and they fought viciously. I again nearly died, if it hadn't been for a morphling who was hiding behind thick vines. She leapt into the way of the monkeys attack and I watched as it latched itself onto her, biting into her chest with a bone chilling squeal. The guilt was overwhelming, I didn't even know the woman's name but she had saved me. I took her into the water, and we both looked up to see the morning sun rising, her breathing was laboured and I knew it wouldn't be long. I remembered that she loved the colours from the training room and how she and her other morphling would paint all day long. I described to her all the gorgeous colours that would paint the sky as her eyes began to un-focus.

o.o.o

They kept the small screen playing non stop for what I counted, four long days. It was the same with the Jabberjay. It didn't stop, and I didn't know how it didn't die. I wished with all of my heart that it would, but it didn't.

I'd watched that kiss so many times that it replayed every time my eyes closed. My only solace was the fact that they only had this one footage to torture me with. I told myself time and time again that, that kiss was probably the only one they shared. I told myself that every minute of every day but I couldn't believe it. I made myself think of all the kisses Katniss and I had shared but it only made me feel worse. Our kisses were for the people of Panem, not for ourselves.

I was a fool to think I would ever be anything more to Katniss than survival. I had seen first hand how she reacted when Gale was being whipped, how she had ran out to protect him. I saw how she slept slumped over on the small wooden stall after her mother and sister had given him his treatments for his back, her hand wrapped protectively over his arm, their faces resting together in sleep.

That should have been an eye opener for me but it wasn't, I kept a blind eye to what was so very obvious in a ridiculous attempt at saving myself.

I hated myself, I hated that I had to fall in love with someone so startling different to myself, that there would never a chance for me, no matter how hard I tried.

I wondered why they hadn't killed me yet, why they had kept me alive so long. Where was the pleasure in torturing my mind like this? Katniss didn't care about me. No one did.

I smashed my head backwards into the concrete wall. The Jabberjay fluttered at my sudden movements but continued with its assault. I let out my own roar, watching in satisfaction as the bird flew away, stopping briefly and cocking its head at me. The sudden anger growing in my chest was intense and I screamed again, screamed until my throat was raw and bloody.

Outside window looking on was President Snow, hands placed behind his back nodding his head. Yes, not long now he thought to himself before turning away.


	17. Chapter 16: Remembering

**Chapter sixteen : Remembering**

* * *

Time meant nothing to me; I stopped watching the sun rise and fall. I didn't care. I resigned myself to the death that I was sure to be coming. Maybe they wouldn't kill me, but I would surely starve, the wounds that I had would surely be infected. My head pounded from where I savagely banged it into the concrete wall behind me, god knows when that was. I lost count of the days.

Even thoughts of Katniss couldn't get me through this anymore; I was depressed and tired with everything. I didn't understand what I had personally done in my life to have been deserving of this, my own mother had hated me- but I could have lived with that. Then being put though the games not once but twice. More near death experiences than any person could ever count.

No, I couldn't do this any longer; I wished with all that I had for death to come, it would be a mercy compared to what they were doing to me. This was the worst kind of torture. I was left forgotten by everyone; Katniss and even the people that had captured me. I was that unimportant.

Tears welled in my eyes and burned, my throat ached and closed until I was chocking on my grief.

I was a good person. My only crime was loving someone that didn't love me back which should have been a punishment in itself. I didn't hunt, or thieve back in my district, I worked and I studied hard. I didn't kill in the games. I didn't deserve this. And Katniss didn't deserve me.

o.o.o

The morphlings death hung over me with a sinking feeling of guilt, and I knew I would be carrying that burden for the rest of my life depending on how long that would be.

Katniss was quiet, processing things in her own way. Distancing herself from the others but not me, she supported me in the best way that she could.

I relied on Katniss more than I thought possible in these games. I remembered her beautiful face, so full of surprise as I gave her the pearl that I had found, and the soft smile that had graced her face. I remembered giving her the locket and telling her how much she really meant to me, how she had to get out of the games alive. She kissed me that night, and it was so different to any other kiss that we had shared. It was full of hope, it had meaning. We both knew it, it could have been a beginning of something had we not have been stuck in that arena.

I suppose I should have been happy the night that I gave her the locket, because that was the night that it all went to hell. We had been separated, try as hard as we could- we had been. I had to stay with Betee and Finnick, whilst Katniss went with Johanna.

One minute we are pottering around the tree, waiting for Katniss and Johanna to come back to us, when the tight wire that was being pulled away from us, relaxed then loosened completely. We all jumped into action then, Betee began pulling at the wire whilst Finnick chased me down the path that Katniss had gone down. I heard her scream once, and I moved as fast as I could, as silently as I could because I was seeing red. I would hurt whoever had hurt Katniss. Finnick pulled me away, our breathing loud and laboured and began leading the way, yet somehow Finnick and I separated, one minute he was in front of me and the next, I couldn't see him anymore. I searched high and low for Katniss feeling frantic. Silence meant death in the arena, and I couldn't hear her. My only solace being that I hadn't heard the cannon either.

I panicked so much I began screaming out her name. The arena was pitch black, we were obviously nearing the end of the game and the game makers wanted an interesting end. I could barely see two feet in front of myself, let alone the lightning tree. For all I knew, I could have been right beside it nearing death.

I screamed because I didn't care any more, I screamed her name again and again because then any tributes nearing her would come for me first and I would give anything for Katniss to have a fighting chance.

I heard it then, Katniss screaming my name too and then heavy footfalls. I cried out her name, not being able to place it. The thunder was gathering above my head, and was covering all other sounds.

The lightning above me began flashing and I was able to catch a glimpse of all that was surrounding me, not that I was able to tell where I was.

I shouted her name once before the lightning strike, heard her scream before I was flown backwards from the force of the explosion, then everything was black.


	18. Chapter 17 : Changing

**Chapter seventeen : Changing**

* * *

I was numb. The pain that I had originally felt by being tethered to the wall, was now just a dull ache that I could ignore, my muscles or what was left of them sagged against the restraints. I was numb to everything that surrounded me. I knew death would come soon for me, I hadn't eaten in a long time and I had been left in my own filth even longer. My body was weak from my injuries and obvious infection, my body exhausted- eyes heavy. Unconsciousness was creeping up into my body every few minutes I found myself awake. Yes, I knew it wouldn't be much longer now.

I had managed to watch the sunset, and knew if I could just make it to watch the sun rise, watch the beautiful colours fill the sky- the only natural thing in the Capitol, then I would die happily. As happily as a prisoner could.

The sun managed to break through the horizon lazily, the glow of orange and pinks and blue lit the sky and brought peace to my damaged soul and mind. I was bathed in the glow of the sun for a few minutes and I relaxed against the warmth that it brought to my chilled cell, a small smile growing on my face as my eyes fluttered close.

I awakened suddenly, I was strapped to a bed and my muscles relaxed against the soft mattress instantly. I was confused and agitated, I had fresh bandages from what I could see, and I couldn't feel any pain. The hunger that scratched at the walls of my stomach was non existent. My heart thudded painfully in my chest, and I wondered just how long I had been out for? Was I rescued and far from the Capitol and President Snow?

My silent questions were answered when the door to the spacious room I was being kept in widened, and a man and woman walked in, both in pristine white scrubs with the Capitol logo over their hearts.

"Peeta, so nice to see you have awakened." The man greeted with a nod of his head. His hair was gray, whitening at the temples with dull brown eyes that drooped at the corners.

"Where am I?" I asked, surprised that my voice sounded clear. I watched at the woman pottered around the room setting up a projector at the end of my bed.

"You're in a different section of the compound that you have been staying in." The man stated simply, pulling over a small table on wheels that had various shaped needles as the woman propped my bed up at a sitting angle.

"Why am I here?" I asked watching as he prepped the inside of my arm, swabbing it with clear liquid before injecting me, my question falling on deaf ears. "Hey, what are you doing?" I asked, my eye sight clouding and taking on a colourful sheen.

The projector came to life, and I couldn't close my eyes no matter how much I wanted to. I was suddenly watching myself in the games, and it was like I could smell the wet forest that had surrounded me, hear the laboured breathing of Cato standing in front of me. My heart pounded erratically, and my throat closed in terror. I could feel the shooting pain in my leg where I was struck and I cried out clawing at my restraints.

"Katniss Everdeen did this to you Peeta." A soft voice said from beside me, gently patting my hair from my damp forehead. The screen came to life again, this time playing of Katniss laughing, Katniss killing, Katniss kissing Gale.

"She's a mutt we created dear Peeta, she's the reason you lost your leg. We can't control the mutt anymore. She's a monster." The voice crooned again. My chest ached watching as Katniss smashed a stone into the bloated body of Glimmer after dropping the Trackerjacker nest on top of her, Katniss firing an arrow through Marvels neck without a moment's hesitation, firing another arrow into Cato, firing an arrow through Gloss' heart. I gasped out breathes through my tight chest, moaning in fear. I was terrified of her.


	19. Chapter 18 : Katniss

**Chapter eighteen : Katniss**

* * *

"Oh God, God, God." She moaned to herself, tears coursing down her cheeks, one hand fisted tightly the other running the smooth pearl against her pursed lips.

She couldn't remember what it was this time that had set her off, but she was back in that damn arena whatever it was and the next she was burrowed under soft materials of a closet. She cried silently and painfully against her knees, she had never felt as weak as she had after being rescued from the arena without Peeta by her side. She didn't know how she was supposed to be the brave and fearless Mockingjay when she couldn't even face a loud sound without being dragged back into her dark and daunting memories.

Since turning up to District thirteen, the District everyone had thought was gone forever, she realised just how alone she was. She realised just how lucky she was though; her mother and Prim had made it out of the bombings all thanks to Gale. But none the less she was still alone, Prim and her mother had been healers back in their home and now they were helping wherever they could in the infirmary of thirteen, and her once dear friend Gale was nowhere to be seen- the romance between her and Peeta had driven a wedge in their friendship long before the second games but now he was like a stranger to her, she didn't even know how to talk to him anymore-not like she saw him enough to have the chance.

Even Haymitch didn't talk to her, not that she wanted to talk to him- she was still furious with him and vice versa. She had noticed that the long scratch down his cheek still hadn't healed.

With shaky limbs she clambered ungracefully out of the closet, placing the shiny pearl into her pocket with a deep breath.

Katniss looked down at her arm, the schedule for the day was imprinted and she couldn't find it in her to care about it. She wanted Peeta, that's all she wanted.

Peeta made her brave, made her feel confident and made her feel loved. The sudden flare of anger in her chest made her stalk out of the room with purpose. Peeta was stuck in the damned Capitol, being beaten and tortured while they all just sat around twiddling their thumbs, it just wasn't right.

Katniss had watched the interviews, watched as Peeta yet again risked his life for her to warn them about the impeding bomb attack and it still wasn't enough for President Coin, a steely older woman, to send out people to save him. She had bumped quite literally into Haymitch on her way to speak to Plutarch.

"Hey watch it sweetheart." He grumbled stumbling back. Since coming to thirteen his mood had been sour, they didn't have any form of liquor and it didn't go down well with her former mentor.

"Where's Plutarch?" She snapped out, watching as he raised an eyebrow at her.

"Looks like something has put a little fire back in your belly, good to see that your back."

"Screw you Haymitch." Katniss spat out angrily, storming past him. Not liking how she worried over his growing pale colour, how his face had begun to look gaunt with out his drink.

"He's in the infirmary. He's consoling Finnick so don't go barging in there sweetheart." Haymitch called out to her, like she would have done that anyway she thought bitterly.

Katniss made it to the infirmary only being stopped once by the over friendly Delly, who hugged her tightly and told her positively that she was sure Peeta would make it back to her. She managed to get to the infirmary without being rude to Delly who was too kind and innocent to deserve anything less than what she gave.

She stood awkwardly outside the heavy metal doors to the infirmary, it was busy and full of the injured that had not managed to get away from the bombs when they fell after Peeta had warned them. Katniss knew her mother and Prim would be very busy and no doubt exhausted, she couldn't believe how much her younger sister had grown up in the short time since the end of the games where she volunteered for her to now.

Katniss chewed anxiously on her thumb nail and felt saddened when she didn't have Effie to reprimand her for doing it. She could only hope the bright and enthusiastic woman was okay. She knew she couldn't go into the infirmary with so many injured, all looking to her for support – to be their leader. A scream of unmasked agony let loose behind the closed doors, and she shuddered to herself, in that room held more than enough triggers for her to last a decade. She just couldn't do it.

The doors opened eventually and instead of seeing the robust form of Plutarch she saw her slim blonde sister who looked at her in worry.

"Katniss?" She called to her sister walking towards her.

"Prim." Katniss greeted back, hating the dark marks under her pretty blue eyes, and the way concern ate at her pale face.

"You've been crying." Prim stated, looping her arm through her older sisters, feeling the ever present relief at seeing her sister alive and breathing.

"I'm fine little duck. Did you see Plutarch in there?" She asked, leading the way a little further down the cold corridor and taking a seat on the benches that were there, she breathed a little easier away from the cries of pain.

"Yes, he already has been in there awhile so I'm sure he won't be much longer." Prim said with a small smile, before yawning behind her hand and smiling apologetically at Katniss.

They sat like that for awhile in silence before Prim looked up at her with those wide clear eyes.

"Do you miss him?" She asked innocently, before her stomach rumbled loudly. Katniss gasped and just like that, her beautiful sister transformed into pretty little Rue, who near enough asked her the same thing as they shared food over a small fire.

She saw it all play out in front of her eyes again, Rue screaming out to her trapped under heavy rope, being freed only to be stabbed by the flying spear, killing Marvel in the same instant with her arrow, Rue's tears running onto her trousers as she asked Katniss to sing to her. She could practically smell and taste the forest, feel the overwhelming panic and sadness that clawed at her throat.

"Katniss! Katniss!" Prim called shaking at her sisters shoulder, wincing as she in turn grabbed onto her smaller arms with a fierce grip.

"Prim?" She questioned, looking around her in panic before letting go of her skinny little sisters arm and folding into herself with grief.


	20. Chapter 19 : The Mockingjay

**Chapter nineteen: The Mockingjay **

* * *

Katniss managed to control her ragged breathing and rubbed at her damp face with the back of her hand, huffing out deep breathes through her nose. She missed Cinna, missed the way he would take her into his arms, the way his dark eyes shone but most of all she missed Peeta. He made everything bearable, he understood how she felt better than anyone, he didn't judge her like everyone else did when she would relapse and her memories would seize her in an unforgiving grip.

Prim was watching with wide watering blue eyes, and in that moment she looked so much like their mother, her hands were wringing nervously in front of her as she looked toward the infirmary to back to her sister.

"I can't do this Prim." Katniss managed to mutter quietly once her breathing had evened out, Prim bit her lip anxiously before gathering her older sister into her arms, deciding that silence was the only comfort that she could give to her. Prim couldn't begin to understand the horrors that were forced upon Katniss, couldn't even begin to comprehend. But she had heard the night terrors, heard her sisters raw screams and sobs as their mother silently cried along with her. The guilt ate at Prim like a disease, blaming herself for her sisters pain.

"I'm so sorry Katniss." Prim whispered, hugging her sister tighter.

"Don't! Don't you dare, everything that I have ever done has been for you Prim. There is no one that I love more than you." Katniss said, the fire returning to her dark coal eyes, taking Prim aback. Katniss watched as her baby sister nodded her head hesitantly with a small smile.

The day dragged slowly, Katniss had decided against talking to Plutarch after her mini melt down with Prim. She needed to convince him of a rescue mission to get Peeta, but couldn't do so with red rimmed eyes, she needed to look strong- she needed to be convincing.

The lunch hall was wide and like most of the thirteen's compound it was all gray, the food itself didn't hold much colour but she couldn't complain at least most of her people that did manage to escape and gain refuge in the new district got to have at least three main meals which were more than anything they could of ever have had back at home.

It was the first time since she had shown her face fully in the lunch break, she normally took refuge in her own room deciding not to eat anything. She couldn't get used to the way people would look at her in wonder, it made her nervous.

She saw Delly sat at a smaller table with Finnick and decided to chance it and sit with the both of them; there were worst company to have.

Finnick was nodding his head to whatever Delly was saying to him, it was obvious his mind was on other things as his hands worked nimbly with the small piece of rope, turning it into complicated knots before easily pulling it loose.

"Katniss." Finnick stated quietly as Delly beamed happily. Delly was easy company, she had known of loss since coming to thirteen but she was still so positive and happy. Finnick had troubles since arriving much like Katniss, not only was Peeta taken and held hostage so had been Johanna but worse for Finnick had been the news of his precious Annie. No one had known as to why Annie had been taken, she didn't know about the rebellion didn't really know about anything other than her love for Finnick – it was obviously a punishment for the former Victor one of which he took extremely hard.

Katniss had found out about Annie, one afternoon she spent with Finnick alone. He told her all about his love for the fragile minded girl, told her how she had won the games simply by accident, because she was too gentle for anything else. Told her how she had lost her grips on reality after witnessing her partner being beheaded.

Katniss had felt the first flares of rage begin again against President Snow and the games and knew she would have to step up, but it was hard. Her constant worry over Peeta clouded everything else; she couldn't and simply wouldn't give one hundred percent until she had Peeta safely at her side once again.

"I'm going to talk to Plutarch today." Katniss said simply to Finnick watching as he stopped tying his rope and looked up to her with haunted eyes. "We need to rescue them, enough is enough."

Finnick sat quietly, resuming with tying his rope his brows furrowing with thought.

"You know Coin will never go with it. Too many people inside will be uncovered, we could lose more precious people, a hovercraft." His voice was devoid of any emotion which only angered Katniss further.

"Damn it Finnick, don't you want Annie out of there?!" Katniss asked slamming her hands onto the table top watching as Finnick's jaw clenched, turning his steely gaze toward her.

"Of course I want that Katniss, I want that more than anything. I would trade place with her immediately if I could." His voice was cold with his anger and Katniss flinched back immediately regretting what she said.

"Im sorry." She murmured as Delly patted her shoulder gently, she quickly and quietly left the group, her lunch once again forgotten. It was okay though, she was used to feeling hunger.

Katniss stalked along the compound, her hands itching to be holding her bow and arrow, it was an object once for protecting her family, to bring in food and income but now it was for security. She didn't feel safe, hadn't felt safe in a long time.

She missed her woods, being able to climb high into a tree and smell the fresh air. District thirteen was suffocating, located deep in the earth she often wondered how Gale could stand it, how it didn't remind him so much of the mines that he practically lived in back at home.

Lost deep in her thoughts, Katniss found President Coin with two other guards in toe, they all smelt of the fresh air that seemed to cling to their clothes. She felt the jealousy rise instantly.

"Katniss." Coin greeted, her long gray hair hanging straight down her back, her uniform in pristine condition.

"President Coin, can we talk?" She asked forcing a smile onto her face as the older woman raised an eyebrow before slowly nodding her head.

President Coin walked alongside her leading the way to her personal office.

"What can I do for you Katniss?" Coin asked in a gentle voice, which Katniss didn't believe but she forced a breath and played along.

"I want there to be a rescue mission. It already has been three months since the games, and the longer that they are in there the less chance we have of getting them all out alive." Katniss said with a confident voice which surprised her. Coin nodded her head before turning her attention to the guards that were still following after them and dismissing them, they both watched them leave in silence before they turned their attention to each other.

"Katniss I'm going to be frank with you. I want to get them out, I do. But the risks are still too high, and in all honesty you haven't helped. You have disregarded your duties of being the Mockingjay which has halted any progress we have wanted to make, yes you have done a few interviews and they have been hard for you, we have seen." Katniss narrowed her eyes at this and fought to reign in her rising temper.

"If you make the plans for a rescue mission, if you get Peeta back I will do anything that you ask of me. I will do it, I won't let anything, anything get in my way. I will be your Mockingjay." Katniss said swallowing past the lump of nerves that suddenly blocked her throat watching as Coin stared at her intently before nodding her head.


End file.
